Thursday, March 19, 2009

Silence, revisited

I don't talk. I realized that I just do not talk. I am home on my own in the day time either to work, study or do nothing. Then I go to my evening classes. I walk silently to my bus stop, wait silently for it, remain silent on the bus, and then I reach my school. I might, or most probably might not, exchange a "Hi" or something in the rare case of exchanging eye contact with anyone. They must see me as weird, but it is just that there is nothing to talk about with them or any thing in common. I sometimes remain silent when it is a group project cause it is not worth it to say much or defend my point of view; and I hate to boast anyway, so I just watch. Cause it really is not worth it. Then I take the bus home, have dinner and sleep. And on go the days. Friends? I do not have that at the moment and not sure that I can open the door for that again. Neighbors? None. I barely see them. Family? well, they are in a different country. Kids and husband? Yeah, they bear me and maybe this is where I can be myself and take away most of the layers I hide behind when I am with strangers. I even do not share my good or bad days on Facebook cause it does not represent me much as it represents my mission. So, there you go. I speak only when I write; that is my true voice. And when I don't, then it is back to silence again I think. Do I regret this seclusion? I am not sure I do. Enduring that is ten times easier than missing others, waiting for them, being tormented for their absence or misunderstanding, or expecting them to be there an understand all the way through. Angels do not live on earth, and since I am not one myself and certainly have my limitations, then I decided to remain silent. But hey, I talk to myself sometimes; all the time actually. I think and meditate. I listen way more. And that is making me a better person I hope. Happiness? Well, this is very relative and does not really belong on earth. It is waaaaay up there you know!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

You have beautiful words Rasha. You also make me think - you make me think how I am in different environments throughout my day. Like you I am at home by myself for most of the day not saying anything unless it is to myself. Perhaps by reading this you have made me more aware of myself. I am glad that you write these blogs because you most certainly do have a gift with words!